3. unfortunately, not new in the realm of human existence
on obsession and being a stagnant pond of water...
This week has been blah, but intentionally so. Something feels really good about knowing that you’re in Goblin Mode and leaning in to being a bit of a goblin. I got my period this week and was feeling, like a stagnant pond of water, that had been so stagnant that a film of microbial living things had grown over top of it and mosquitoes were having babies in it. Kind of a gross image. Anyways, here are some observations of passing phenomena in my life. Still amazed that no matter what life just keep life-ing.
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- I am not writing a book, but I realized the Instagram story I made about Adrienne Maree Brown’s announcement of her writing a book made it seem like I was, and at first I was like, “oh no! I don’t want people to think I can’t keep my word,” because when I say something I surely, surely mean it. However, then I was like…accidental manifestation??
- Summer stagnancy can feel like such a sticky sweaty thing (unfortunately, I think I need exercise to function as a full human being)
- Couple across from me is eating a $25 salad from the salad shop I used to work at and then quit because it was a [name redacted] salad factory!!! So now I get to eat grapes and read poetry and journal by a water fountain when I’m supposed to be working at the [name redacted] salad factory!!!
- There are so many ways to understand this human experience it makes me dizzy. When I was younger I was like okay what is the right way? At first it was Jesus and God, then it was be kind and trust the universe or something and now, now, well the complexity sometimes makes me feel sick. The thought that everyone can come up with their own conclusions, of yes this is what it means to be here, right now, experiencing this, and all those conclusions can be true in a sort of way. You realize that there is no right way, and perhaps, things are more complicated than a small human brain can understand. Although, at times, I do miss believing in ultimate and final truths, mystery feels like the ultimate space of worship. Bowing down to the infinitely complex ways that life keeps life-ing
- I read and finished Melissa Lozado Oliva’s novel in verse, Dreaming of You, about a poet that brings the singer Selena back from the dead through a seance. It blew me away! I like authors who when I read their work, I’m like oh wow I didn’t know writing could be like that. <the neurosis, the drama, the what-ifs, the hauntings, the odd slimy very bodily parts of being human or I guess being non-human> It reminded me a bit of Yayoi Kusama and her dots. Not necessarily in style, but in the obsession, in the way that the mind of the writer or artist buzzes around thoughts or intrusive images that spiral faster and faster, the way that sensitivity makes the world around them a sticky thing. Neurosis can be quite generative, but perhaps, peace of mind might be better? I’m not sure. I do like that they lean in to the trouble of their mind, this is something I find again and again. How to break a feeling or a thought wide open, crawl inside it, give it the space to feel heard. Obsession and worship—the singer Selena and dots, respectively.
& on Obsession [this is an unhinged poem I wrote last summer]
Infatuation eats me up inside & hollows me out, So that I’m a vacuum ravenously pulling you into my orbit, To fill me up again. Nails breaking open skin, releasing that intangible thing, That coarse, sticky perfume, that pulls me to you, I could surely go crazy off your fumes. I hope you don’t find it strange, but the thing is, I want to be a parasite, I want to crawl into your skin, live inside your body and merge it with mine. Only then do I think I could get, Close enough, Recluse lover, Destructive lover, Sandpaper valentine, I want you to whisper secrets to me in shades of acid green you would never tell anyone else. I want to know what no one else knows, to have your heart beat only for me, To give my power over to you, Completely, And cry about being so out of control. I hope you don’t find it strange, but the thing is, I want to be a siren. To seduce you over sharp rocks Red eyes, Curled lips, Green hair, I want my touch to set your skin on fire, digging in, and driving you somewhere over the edge, Where we can fall off together into thrashing waves, Where we can both be carried away by the tide, Where we can find an island in the middle of the ocean, Where we can live alone forever.
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- Been reading The Virgin Suicides, firstly the book is so male gaze core that it makes me giggle, I do think it’s trying to be that intentionally so though. But you know that iconic line, when Cecelia turns to the doctor after he tells her she isn’t old enough to even understand how bad the world really is and she says “clearly you have never been a 13-year-old girl.” Well it is super clear to me that the author has never been a 13-year-old girl, but maybe that’s the point… There is something about the way he talks about these girls and the way he understands girlhood as not just this mystical thing but something that self destructs from the inside. That girl or women is having this deep black hole inside you that sucks everything into it, so you become hollowed out. A space that can never be inhabited, unintelligible absence, the abject etc etc etc I will save you from the academic feminist theory stuff. I don’t think I feel that way but I like playing in to that story.
- All my friends are cancers and so its birthday season! So, I want to let everyone know about the ~cheat code~ I unlocked:
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Okay & finally a video of me dancing in the rain [in 3 acts]
I also realized that I had my laptop in bag and so after I had my moment, I grabbed my stuff and started running frantically all the way home. here is the short video:
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My friend: getting stressed about a *crush situation*™ and being *vulnerable*™
My other friend: “Ya totally… but, unfortunately, not new in the realm of human existence”
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& Prompts
Who is the version of yourself that achieves your dreams? What do they look like? How do they react to the world around them?
How close is that self to you?
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thats all for now, see you next week xoxo
-Thai