Wow wow what a week. I swear a week will pass and it will feel like I have lived seven lifetimes and then some, especially during this season of my life.
During the beginning of 2022, I set the intention that this year would be my twenties-coming of age film era (think more on the comedy side then drama aka How to be Single?). Think chaos, love affairs, fun, drama, learning lessons and such. I think what felt so appealing about it at the time, was I was coming out of a period of my life that felt really restrictive. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to wake up at a certain time, stick to a strict routine, not go out, and honestly shit was feeling super not fun. It didn’t feel so much like I was experiencing life, more that I was trying to negotiate with life (if I could just be perfect, maybe things could work out exactly like I wanted). I wanted to feel like I was immersed in the experience of living, not so aware of it that I could tell you everything I ate that day.
What felt most resonant about the highs and lows of that genre of film was that you always knew that the main character would be okay in the end. No matter how crazy or shitty things got there was a contract the viewer had with the film (such is the way with genre) that everything would eventually work out. Nothing would get THAT serious, because it just wasn’t that kind of film. It’s funny to think that as storytelling creatures we do this all time. We are constantly affirming to ourselves the kind of story we are living in, and the aha moment is realizing that you are the one telling the story and *gasp* you can change it at any time. Throughout this year, this era has really served me. 2022 was exciting and fun, and yes, yes, very dramatic. Even in moments that felt like the fucking worst, I held on to the truth of this story which was that things would always eventually work out for me in the end. It was really beautiful, but now, I’m tired… I don’t know if I’m living for the drama in the same way that I was before. (maybe my mind will change once I get bored, idk we’ll see).
I love that we’re coming to the end of the year. I’ve always loved the concept of starting anew. I’ve loved anything that I could make a ritual out of, anything I could turn into a portal. This is the time where new narratives are forming and emerging in my mind. Who will I be next??? What story do I want to tell about my life??? I have a few ideas, and I guess we will just see what emerges. And no, no this is not a royal WE, this is you and me, us, because we’re in this together right? Right.
Lisbon has my heart…
The thesis of this newsletter was going to be way different. But as I was flying back to Canada listening to Alice Coltrane’s Going Home, recommended to me by someone on Instagram, I was feeling the immensity of hurt, and something opened up for me– a new doorway to love.
First, let me set the scene.
A long plane ride is an ~experience~ and by now I consider myself a veteran of it. If you’re like me and you can’t sleep unless you are absolutely horizontal then it becomes a movie marathon. You need your snacks, your water bottle, you got to get yourself situated, maybe do some stretching in-between each movie just to keep the blood flowing even though your back will inevitably be stiff. I watched 3 films, in this order:
Licorice Pizza by PTA (enjoyable, featuring an age-gap relationship between a 15 y old boy and a 25 y old women (broey deschanel has a good video essay on it), kind of meandering maybe could have been a bit tighter but idk what do I know, beautiful cinematography obvs)
Islands by Martin Edralin (beautiful story about a middle age Filipino man coming-of-age, I’m obsessed with coming-of-age films at any age, actors gave incredible performances—just wow, I cried so much that my mask was soaked by the end)
Mr. Malcolm’s List (Bridgerton-esque regency era swoon-romance with very diverse cast, honestly I am a big fan of unspoken color-blind casting in regency era stuff like idk I don’t like how Bridgerton had to explain why there are BIPOC people, I love a good Theo James regency moment, sexy sexy male lead, female lead was beautiful and just realized was from slum dog millionaire the entire time I was like where the fuck do I know her from??)
Okay so…
Love really has been floating around lately. All About Love by Bell Hooks is making the rounds especially since her passing over and Love (capital L) seems to be on everyone’s minds. I read All About Love when I was 18 (brag) and although it hit at the time, the book met me where I was at, which was not knowing much about Love outside of family and a few friends. But, Love stayed on my mind. At 19 I curated an art show around the theme “Love as Justice” and was wondering what love might look like in public not just as a private act between two people. Yet, even throughout all of this, I don’t think I could have given you a straight answer if you asked me what Love is.
On the plane ride, I was really feeling my own hurt, feeling the weight of all the stories I had crafted about people I felt had wronged me, and when I was watching Islands my hurt got all muddled up with the film’s hurt. Towards the end, I couldn’t tell what I was crying about.
I was talking to someone once about Love and I said that perhaps Love wasn’t good or bad, maybe it just is. In the same way that I don’t think God is good or bad. Love and God (which may or may not be one in the same) seem to exist beyond the realm of human binaries, they both sort of exist in this space of pure Being. A space that is completely neutral. Then it hit me…
Love is neutral. Wow wow.
In all of my experiences with unconditional Love (which is just another way to say Love because there is no Love with conditions), I am always floored by the pure miracle that is meeting people where they are at.
Reality, life, God, always meets you where you are at. (I simply cannot emphasize this enough). It is neutral in that way, it is not Good it is not Bad, it is reflecting back to you where you are in yourself. It is capital B Being with you. When people say that God is Love or that our reality is shaped by Love, I agree. Because Love is neutral, and it will unconditionally meet you exactly where you are. Even though, as bell hooks famously articulates, Love is a verb, the action doesn’t so much feel like pushing Love out of oneself rather it feels more like allowing obstacles to dissolve so Love can flow the way that Love already does.
When I was younger (& who the fuck am I kidding, even now), I would be so hurt and confused when people wouldn’t reciprocate the Love I gave them. It felt as if all the Love I was pouring out of myself was going to waste. It felt good to be the martyr, to take on the weight of other people's pain and claim it to be my own. To Love people who would often flat out tell me they couldn’t Love me in the way I wanted, and to keep coming back time and time again. One thing about me is I Love to worship at someone’s alter. Even now, looking at it from afar, I can see something beautiful about that level of devotion, carving out space inside of yourself to make room for someone. To accommodate, to follow, to yearn, to yield. But, its beauty is that of a painting or a Lana Del Rey song, not a north star. Something that I can admire aesthetically not intrinsically.
I don’t think Love can ever be in vain, and I think I’m done treating it as if it is a finite resource. Witnessing and allowing someone to Be in your presence is never a waste. Love can’t be created or destroyed. Though don’t be a martyr, it’s boring and self indulgent. And I LOVE to indulge myself, but that narrative has just become stale. Sometimes meeting people where they are, is not meeting them at all.
What about harm? Harm in the capital H sense, but also in the lowercase h sense. In the way that we will all at one point or another push up against each other's boundaries, triggers and traumas. That in living, as the title of Michaela Cole’s I May Destroy You articulates, we are all at risk of destroying each other. When I would feel harmed by someone, my first instinct was to claim a lack of Love in the world. I myself, being the victim of the Lovelessness of it all. But, maybe Love even in those moments is neutral still.
What is Love, but realizing that sometimes people are just doing the best they can.
Though there is a reason why they are like 4 other stages of grief before a sort of acceptance of harm enters and you can remove the rocks to allow the stream of Love back in. There are many ways for a heart to break, and unfortunately the only way out is through. Anger, heart wrenching sorrow can all be pathways back to Love if you allow them to be, and there is something so incredible about the capacity for people to alchemize the densest experiences of Trauma into something else. It’s almost magic.
I never understood when people would ask if I’m in Love, I’ve never been out of it…
Thesis of this Trip
It’s good to have a thesis. Something to center yourself around. I think this is why I love this newsletter so much, I get to create a new thesis every week to understand reality with. So here is the thesis of this trip:
Sintra Forest, Mirrors, Mysticism and Moss
In the forest, I saw both stagnant ponds of water, and water in movement gushing in streams. I saw that they both had a role, and neither was mutually exclusive: stasis or momentum. Stagnancy gets a bad rap. I witnessed in stagnancy how much room there was for growth, for life to incubate and be birthed from. Yes it was gross and sticky, but in the stagnant water, that wasn’t overgrown you could see yourself reflected.
There were too many symbols for me to count, or even make sense of just yet. Moss was lush over the landscape, I thought that if I lay down for a while maybe it would claim me as well, and I could be a part of it all.
This place will be in my dreams, in my paintings, for many years to come.
Me: literally, what the fuck is going on
Also Me: oh, i’m getting it, i’m getting it
This newsletter has an instagram she is becoming her own entity:
@onhereandelsewhere
@hereiflow
As always, thank you so much for Being here, now with me. Talk next week xxx
Love you,
-Thai HJ <3
the nuance between love & Love when it comes to aesthetics and actually dedication to awareness, yes! i think a lot of us could’ve gotten a lesson in that during our teen years when it seems everything was to be sacrificed for: a person, an idea, an identity, our “ideal” self. this Love that you talk about is a mature love that doesn’t come with age or wisdom, just openness to experience.
i love reading your thoughts :)